Since Dottie arrived, the three of us have slept in one bed. She is now 16 months old and she only uses her own bed to play. She looks at books. But sleep? Rather no. At the moment she only wants to fall asleep when we cuddle with her. Lots of physical contact! Understandable, because some new teeth are coming out right now.
We haven’t even started setting up a room for her yet. Friends of mine see it completely differently, they already let their son of the same age sleep in the children’s room. How does it work, I sometimes ask myself. And should we do that too? When does a child actually need their own room?
Please feel free to check out the other topics in mine Family blog um, if such topics are on your mind right now!
Why we ended up in the family bed in the first place
We never had this big plan: Our child would sleep with us for years. It just happened that way. At first she even slept in her baby bed. We gave her the bottle and she fell asleep blissfully. During the day, at night. Only when she cried in the middle of the night did we bring her into bed with us. But now, as a toddler, it’s a completely different story.
As soon as we even try to put her in her bed, she starts crying. That’s why we decided: a family bed will now remain a family bed. She is happy, we are happy.
But it also has disadvantages. You have less space. Sometimes you sleep badly. There is no togetherness in the bedroom with a small child in the middle. But I want to be honest: I like this closeness too. A lot.
There are nights when she lies with her little head on my shoulder and I think to myself: This is exhausting, but also beautiful. This phase will not come back. At some point she will close her door and I probably won’t even be allowed to come into her room without asking. So I’m just trying not to see it as just a problem.
Our floor bed: good idea, moderate success so far
We recently got her a floor bed. I thought the idea was great. Not a classic crib that she wants to get out of. No high bed for her to fall out of. But a low bed that she can climb in and out of herself.
In my head it was something like this: We make her room comfortable, lie down in it in the evening, she falls asleep there and at some point she just stays there. The reality was slightly different.
She likes the bed. During the day. She climbs in, lies down briefly, gets up again, moves something around, runs out again. But that was it.
When do children really need their own room?
Your own bed in the parents’ bedroom sometimes doesn’t work. But let’s think one step further: Would she need her own room? To be honest, it still seems quite far away for us at the moment.
I did some research on this because I wanted to know if there was a clear recommendation. The short answer: No, it’s not that clear.
In an advice article about having your own children’s room, the Techniker Krankenkasse writes that babies generally do not need their own room to play or sleep in their first year of life. Proximity to parents is more important during this time. Between the ages of one and three, children can spend a short time on their own. Having their own room often starts to really make sense around the age of three, when children start to concentrate more on playing, painting or building alone.
There are also studies that indicate that some babies tend to sleep longer at a time in their own room. But to be honest: This only helps me to a limited extent in everyday life. Because my child is not average. When Dottie wakes up at night and needs closeness, no statistics that say other children might sleep differently will help me.
For me, the most important insight is that having your own room is not a milestone that you have to tick off at 12, 16 or 18 months. It’s more of a transition. And this transition happens quickly for some children and slowly for others.
Our box spring bed is currently the center of our family
When Fernando and I moved in together, our large box spring bed was a very conscious decision. I wanted a comfortable bed, lots of space and a good night’s sleep. Of course, I didn’t know back then that this bed would eventually not only be our bed, but also Dottie’s half-bed.
Today I’m glad we decided on a big bed. This really makes a difference, especially in a family bed. Two adults and a small child need space. Especially when the toddler lies sideways at night and behaves as if he or she had signed for the entire lying area alone.
What you quickly notice with a large bed: At some point the normal duvet is no longer enough. Especially not when there are three of you underneath. Someone is always pulling. Someone is cold. And most of the time I’m someone. That’s why if you have a large bed, it really makes sense to want to find the right duvet in the size 200×220.
Also Mattress protector is not an exaggerated extra when you have a small child in bed. There’s just more happening. Sometimes water leaks out. Sometimes someone sweats. Sometimes something ends up in bed that actually has no place there. In addition, house dust and allergies are an issue for us. That’s why I think a mattress protector for allergy sufferers in the family bed really makes sense. Things like this make everyday life easier.
Our bed is more than just a piece of furniture at the moment. It is a place to sleep, a place to cuddle, a bed for the sick, a family island and sometimes the place where everyone stays lying down for five minutes in the morning even though someone should have gotten up long ago.
My conclusion: Having your own room is not a must for children under 3 years old
From what I have read and experienced myself, a child under the age of 3 does not necessarily need their own room to sleep. It can be nice if the space is there. It can help to slowly build your own area. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
What’s more important to us right now is that Dottie feels safe. That we as parents don’t put pressure on things out of insecurity just because other families solve things differently.
Maybe in a few months we’ll still be sleeping as three. Maybe not. I don’t know it. But I know: It’s not a failure when a toddler seeks closeness at night. It’s just a phase. A stressful, beautiful, sometimes uncomfortable phase.
How was it for you? When did your child start sleeping in their own room? Did the change work quickly or were there also setbacks? And did you initially use your own room as a playroom or directly as a place to sleep?
