Among the more unexpected consequences of the AI race, a new separation phrase has emerged: It’s not you, it’s my startup.
Lee Beckman, 30, founder of an edtech startup, had been in a long-distance relationship with his girlfriend for about five months when he realized that building his business was draining him so much that he had little energy left for the relationship. When he called her in the evening, his head was “so full of information and trying to do so many things at once” that “there was no room left in the brain.”
“I realized I was relying on her for my mental health — and I didn’t think that was fair,” Beckman says.
The panicked fear of the permanent underclass
Archish Arun, 21, had also been dating his girlfriend for around six months when he decided to drop out of Stanford and work full-time on his Y Combinator-backed video production startup. He got so caught up in the fast pace of an early-stage startup that he became impatient when she needed time to process an argument – he wanted a solution as quickly as a bug fix. Living at a startup pace “brought many of our problems to the surface much more quickly,” he says.
This happened to me too. Like many young founders, my ex-boyfriend is convinced that in the coming years the profits of the AI boom will go to those who jump on it now – while the rest of us are stuck in a permanent underclass. We had been dating for nine months when he told me that he was moving to San Francisco to become a fellow at Andreessen Horowitz and scale his media startup—and that he would have to end our relationship in New York to do so.
The constant AI pressure to build something
“I feel like I owe it to myself to pursue this dream that I’ve had since I was a kid,” he said. “And if we stay together, I’ll spend every free moment trying to get back to New York to see you.”
Ouch. What struck me most was the feeling of complete lack of control. I developed a one-sided, almost parasocial dislike for Marc Andreessen, who I felt had stolen my boyfriend from me without even trying. At the same time, I realized that I am not alone in this.
Dating, already chaotic for career-driven people in their 20s, has gone off the rails. The diagnoses are varied: swipe culture, ghosting, a growing loneliness crisis, the widening political divide between men and women, economic insecurity causing people to delay marriage. And for a certain group today there is another, particularly sensitive factor: the pressure to build something.
It’s better to focus on the startup instead of the relationship
Attracted by the promises of artificial intelligence, many young founders are increasingly isolating themselves from their social lives. Last year, a Y Combinator general partner told the New York Times that the average age of participants is now 24, up from 30 in 2022. The founders I spoke to for this story emphasized that they want to be good partners. But between the already enormous demands of an early-stage startup and the now-or-never pressures of the AI boom, many have abandoned their existing relationships to focus full-time on work. Her ex-partners did not want to comment.
If a young founder wants to have a relationship, “they have to treat it with the same single-mindedness that they treat their company—and chances are they won’t be able to do that,” says Amy Andersen, a Silicon Valley dating coach. Among her founder clients, those who are ready for a serious relationship are usually in their mid to late 30s. “Mid 20s, not so much,” she says.
I ask Andersen what advice she would give to a 26-year-old founder who is thinking about ending a healthy relationship to focus on building their startup. I don’t mention that this hypothetical scenario was my own reality.
“I think it’s a good idea because he listens to himself and is very honest about what he can do,” says Andersen. “If he chose the relationship, he would probably end up feeling regretful. And at some point, the frustration and the reality that it’s hard to balance both would come to the surface.” Hard.
One reason it’s so difficult to be with a young founder is because of how closely tied their startup is to their identity, says Yariv Ganor, a startup psychologist who often works with founders in relationships. “The partner has to accept in some way that the startup is a priority. The startup is often an extension of the founder persona – many see it as a kind of embodiment of themselves,” says Ganor.
For many young founders, dating takes a back seat to building their startup because it simply feels irresponsible to them to invest financially and emotionally in anything other than their company.
“I invest so much and burn so much money every month with my business. It just doesn’t make economic sense to invest additionally in dating,” says Beckman. Since separating from his girlfriend in 2024, he has only been on two dates. My ex told me something similar: He wanted to live an almost monkish, celibate life in San Francisco.
The “Hackathon Approach” to Dating
At the same time, some founders who are dating have unrealistically high expectations about how easy it is to find the perfect partner. Max Marchione, 25, founder of the longevity startup and peptide provider Superpower, told me he would give a woman a week-long “trial period” – during which time he would see whether he could imagine a forever life with her.
“There was a phase in which I strictly said: ‘I’m not getting into a relationship at all.’ Now it’s more like this: If I think I might marry someone, I test it for a week – and then make a decision,” says Marchione.
Andersen says she’s seen this “hackathon approach” to dating from several founders. “They are used to going all in, putting maximum effort into testing whether something works,” she says. “It is exactly this mentality that has probably helped them to be successful in their jobs.” However, she thinks seven days is too short to really get to know someone – but she has also worked with founders who found love within two to four weeks.
Founders often lack the emotional intelligence that women who are generally open to dating them are looking for, says Andersen. “They’re looking for someone who has the balance between IQ and EQ. And it’s exactly this EQ that’s a little harder to find in Silicon Valley,” she says. For many founders, “communication is probably the most underestimated skill”.
His ex-girlfriend wasn’t a good fit for him because she needed “two to three hours of attention a day.”
It takes a certain type of person to have a relationship with an early-stage founder. Dmitri Mirakyan, 31, says his ex-girlfriend wasn’t suitable for him because she needed “two to three hours of attention a day.” That was “extremely difficult” because he had a 9-to-5 job and at the same time was building his startup Creed, which describes itself as the “first AI with Christian values.”
Ganor says that founders get along best with people who “give – that is, who contribute a lot to relationships without constantly expecting something in return.”
Mirakyan’s current girlfriend seems to be just that kind of person. She senses what he needs. He says that a few months ago, during a friend’s wedding ceremony in India, he panicked because there was a problem with his app.
Why I don’t date founders anymore
“A completely understandable reaction would have been: ‘You’re at my friends’ wedding, you’re embarrassing me – what are you doing?’ This is the second wedding this year where I had to take out my laptop,” says Mirakyan. “I was visibly stressed and on my cell phone – and instead of being annoyed, she organized the WiFi for me, found a place to sit and brought me snacks.”
“It wasn’t a big deal to me that he had a work emergency,” his girlfriend says. “For me it was more important: It stresses him out, and it stresses me out to see him like that. So I just wanted to help.”
I’m not sure I would have had that much patience. It used to annoy me when my ex forgot to make a reservation at a restaurant and then we had to wait in line somewhere – or when he canceled plans so that he didn’t come to my friends’ parties and instead coded the night away.
I no longer date early-stage founders. My new friend is reliable, relaxed and gets off work at 6 p.m. He is an engineer at a big tech company. Maybe one day he will be replaced by AI and end up in the permanent underclass – but at least we have time for each other.