Egoism. A word that has always had negative connotations for me. And that is certainly egoism in the sense of egocentrism or even narcissism. The word “egoist” is often used as an insult and leaves an unpleasant aftertaste.
And always looking for your own advantage, without considering the consequences for those around you, is also definitely a negative trait.
But there is something we can all use a big dose of: healthy selfishness. What I have had to learn in the last few years: There are situations in which you should put your own well-being first. Without considering the wishes of other people. It’s not about imposing your will on other people, but rather paying attention to your own needs. The ability to set boundaries. Selfishness in the right amount.
Healthy egoism is closely linked to “saying no”. And wow, it’s so incredibly difficult sometimes. Because it also means disappointing other people every now and then. Did you know that statistically speaking, women find it much more difficult to say no? I don’t want to get into patriarchy (this topic needs its own column). But there is something to be said about society telling you, even as a little girl, that you should conform. It is particularly desirable to be liked.
I would say that I definitely have a big dose of people pleaser in me. The last piece of cake would ALWAYS be given to the other person, who would find it difficult to refuse a request for a favor. For banal things like the cake example, that’s perfectly fine if the other person appreciates it. But there are the favors that you do just for the sake of another person and you realize the moment you say yes that it won’t do you any good.
In the past I have often drawn the short straw so that another person would not be disadvantaged. This is certainly okay for very special people, if you make your best friend very happy by giving her the advantage. The parents, the children, the partner.
But beyond that, you should never say yes to something just to please others. Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of. In private and professional environments. Saying yes to something you don’t want to do in a pressured situation. This is completely wrong.
Healthy egoism doesn’t mean just thinking about yourself. But also in itself. In the right situations, more about yourself than about other people. Of your own soul well-being. It means paying attention to your own needs and standing up for yourself.
To put your own soul well-being first without hurting other people.
A balancing act – like so many things in life. It’s about the right dose of selfishness. The golden mean of pure egoism and altruism. Healthy egoism. And honestly? Saying no at the right moment doesn’t hurt. You are certainly not a bad person if you decide against something for the sake of your own soul. Don’t go to the party. Turning down the request for a time-consuming favor. Speaks out when you have consciously decided against something. And the right people in our lives will always accept these decisions. A valuable learning from the last few years.
PS: You can find good input on the topic of “learning to say no” from Sue.
PPS: Be sure to read “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins! The book contains so many valuable impulses – for each of us!