When we (more precisely: me, but we sounds better) decided to go to couples therapy, there was no specific reason.
Yes, we have now become parents.
Yes, we have a lot less sex now.
Yes, we have one main topic of conversation (our baby).
But are we unhappy? Quite the opposite.
For my part, I have never felt more connected to David than I have since the birth of our daughter. We were no longer just in a relationship, we were partners, allies, companions, warriors, fighting through everyday baby life side by side.
And maybe that was the whole point: the demands on our relationship have changed. There are more of us now. We have more responsibility. Not just to us, but especially to our daughter. We have to function.
This partnership has to work.
Many people go to couples therapy – and as I prefer to call it: couples coaching – when it is already too late. When trust has been lost and things have been said and done that can no longer be taken back. Why don’t you go to therapy sooner?
When I mention that David and I are going to couples therapy, it usually leads to the following conversation:
1. a frightened, questioning look.
2. A gentle touch on the arm or shoulder
3. “But are you okay?”
4. A look of pity and a look that says, “You’re welcome to talk to me about it.”
It’s really a shame that couples therapy is such a taboo topic. If couples coaching were just as normal as career coaching, we as a society would be better off overall.
On the one hand, because I really wished that my parents had done something like that, then I wouldn’t have to deal with my childhood and it wouldn’t be up to me to break the cycle of toxic behavior so that my child isn’t traumatized by the shit that’s been dished out over generations in my family when it comes to upbringing.
On the other hand, because I am convinced that it would really help many couples in their current situation and lead to more feelings of happiness in everyday life.
We have never regretted this decision. Because even though we didn’t have any real issues or problems that gave rise to couples therapy, it was still one of my better ideas. Not only do we get to know each other better, we get to know each other better on a different level and, above all, understand each other. David now understands much better why I react a certain way in certain situations, what exactly is behind it and vice versa. Misunderstandings often hide behavioral patterns that were already manifested in childhood. Looking behind it and even understanding it as such was a game changer for us. Since then, I have accepted when David procrastinates and David refrains from making snarky comments when I dedicate myself to tidying up the apartment in the morning. Couples therapy not only helped us to understand ourselves as counterparts in a relationship, but as highly complex people whose behavior patterns differ from our own – and to accept that.
Even though couples therapy is still a privilege that we can treat ourselves to, I can only recommend it to everyone who sees themselves as equal partners. That’s why it’s time that we take couples therapy out of the taboo drawer and finally understand how much potential there is for our relationship. How much happier we are in everyday life when we feel seen and understood by our partner.
After all, it’s completely normal to go for career coaching. Nobody is ashamed of it, on the contrary.
Is our relationship worth less than our career? Why do so many refuse to be coached in this area of their life when we also optimize other parts of our lives? And why is therapy generally interpreted as a sign of weakness when it is actually a sign of strength to face your challenges and work on them?
In reality, it’s like this: in the everyday life of a relationship, it’s often the little things that annoy you about your partner. Here’s a stupid comment, there’s an annoying habit. But the little things that annoy you about your partner often become reasons for separation. That’s why you should take these things seriously and work on your relationship overall so that the feelings you have for the other person are nurtured and not overshadowed by everyday stress.
We have been going to couples therapy regularly for 4 months. Although we viewed it as a preventive measure, we quickly discovered that we, too, had issues that needed urgent attention. During our many sessions, we always had aha moments and new insights. Even though these shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone because they’re pretty close, it makes a big difference if you integrate them into your everyday life.
